Why has this happiness intruded my space?
I didn't ask for its warmth, its pleasure, its grace.
My true satisfaction comes from only one thing.
A deep depression so dark, so grim.
The light that surrounds me must be filtered with red.
The air that I breathe must smell like the dead.
The thoughts of suicide I had all the time
have left me alone and escaped my mind.
I liked to think about suicide.
What would have happened if I would have died?
What will happen when I leave this Earth?
Is there something to replace it or another birth.
Now I am happy my life is unfilled.
I long for return of that negative thrill.
I love the wind, the hail and rain.
I miss having a deep burning pain.
The smell of success and happiness is near.
I desperately want to run in fear.
But my mind wont let me for it knows this is right.
Why must my mind, heart and soul always fight?
will satisfaction and happiness ever co-exist?
Should I try and find out or just live with this?